When it comes to fandom, I only have eyes for Harry Potter. I mean, those books are literally literary perfection. The characters are complex and real and the plot is flawless and everything about it all is magical in every sense of the word.
I’m not completely ignorant about other fictional universes. I know the back stories, more or less, of all the Marvel characters; I’ve seen all the Lord of the Rings movies, fast-forwarding the battle scenes. I’ve (unfortunately) read all the Maze Runner, Hunger Games, and Twilight books.
And I always thought I pretty much knew Star Wars. I saw all the movies multiple times growing up. But with the release of the newest movie, I realized there was a lot more to it all that I didn’t ever know. When people talked about their theories for episode VII, I had almost no idea what they were talking about. I decided I needed to watch them all again as an adult, to understand the finer plot points and to stop feeling confused when people talked about midi-chlorians and Sith Lords.
So, this weekend I undertook the task of watching all six movies, starting with the prequels, determined to become a Star Wars expert before I saw The Force Awakens. I made sure I had the subtitles on so I didn’t miss anything, not even a single blip beep boop from R2D2.
Episode I: The Phantom Menace
I spent the first hour of this movie texting my brother questions like what’s the difference between the Republic and the Federation; who are the aliens with racist Japanese accents; why is Naboo being blockaded; where does the prophecy about Anakin come from; who dropped Jar Jar Binks on his head as a baby, and why didn’t they drop him from something a little higher. He told me to read Wookieepedia and then stopped responding.
What kind of movie needs an entire online encyclopedia to understand what’s going on?!
Episode II: Attack of the Clones
First of all, we need to sit down and have a frank conversation about Anakin and his poor hair choices. Before you tell me that all the Padawans these days are wearing rat-tails, I’m actually talking about his greasy hair plugs. It looks like a hair transplant gone terribly, terribly wrong.
But also, I’m not sure what anyone is fighting about at least 90% of the time. But I guess if you’re using light sabers, you don’t really need a reason to fight.
Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
Why did General Grievous kidnap Palpatine? Aren’t they on the same side? I’m still not sure what anyone is fighting about. But Jar Jar has fewer lines, so I can’t complain about the movie overall.
Episode IV: A New Hope
Okay, guys. I get it. Now I remember why everyone likes these movies. The originals are a lot better. Except for Luke. That guy is literally the worst. He even beats out C3PO for whiniest character, which is saying something. In general, my favorite characters are the ones with the fewest intelligible lines, like Chewbacca and R2D2.
Speaking of C3PO, that homedroid is always wearing belly shirts. His midriff is exposed more than Britney Spears backup dancer.
Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back
The prequels do have something on the originals: Yoda is much more tolerable in the newer movies. I mean, to give him some credit, he’s been alone on a swamp planet for the last 20 years, but his sanity has clearly paid the price.
In other news, here’s a fun Star Wars drinking game: Everyone take a shot anytime a character calls another character “old friend” or Han Solo says “I have a bad feeling about this.” You’ll be plastered in 15 minutes, tops.
Episode VI: Return of the Jedi
Watch this video:
Now add in a couple of laser guns and you have episode VI. It’s adorable.
Episode VII: The Force Awakens
The screenplay was still full of trite one-liners and the villains’ names are still less than formidable (Snoke? Dooku?) but Luke has a beard now, and the less of his face we see, the better.
But in all honesty, I liked it. It had a respectable amount of wookie and that’s all anyone was really hoping for.