How to Win Friends and InFLUence People

Dear friends, it is almost spring, and miracle of miracles, I have made it through cold season without one cough! For this I thank my incredibly good hygiene, Sav’s 12 gallon bottle of Germ-X, endless glasses of orange juice, Clorox wipes, ample sleep, and copious amounts of Lysol.

However, few people take the same precautions as I do. Indeed, I think that many people on this campus make it their goal to get as many people sick as possible. If you take after this philosophy, here are some tips to make your infectious ways as efficient as possible:

  1. When you sneeze or cough, make sure to never cover your face. You want to get those little germs in as many places as possible. Imagine that sneeze as the release of thousands of little paratroopers intent on doing your bidding. They will cover keyboards, desks, counters, and doorknobs. The next sucker who uses that computer won’t know what hit him.
  2. Make sure you touch your face a lot and wipe your nose with your hand. Coat your hand with germs so everything you touch will get a good supply of bacteria on it. Your germs will combine with the germs of everyone else that has touched that door handle and they’ll have a disease dance party. Soon, there will be so many cold viruses on that door handle that someone could get sick just by looking at it.
  3. When you are in an office (say, filling out an appeal) make sure you sick that pen in your mouth. Dozens of people will use that pen today so it’s just like licking 35 hands! There’s no better way to spread illness, if you ask me. The teeth marks you’ll leave behind are an added bonus!
  4. At the gym, make sure you get as much sweat on as many machines and weights as you can. Wipe your forehead on the elliptical handles. Touch your armpits and then pick up a dumbbell. When you turn your head to cough, make sure you aim it directly into the face of the person on the machine right next to you. And for heaven’s sake, do not use the sanitizing wipes to clean after you finish. 
  5. Germlings, this may be the most important rule of all: Never, under any circumstances should you ever wash your hands after using the bathroom. Just think of all the wonderful germs you can share if you don’t! Think of all the things you will be touching, leaving your infected little mark wherever you go!

One final command:

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One Response to How to Win Friends and InFLUence People

  1. Rachel Dell says:

    i think i just threw up a little in my mouth.

    gross. but SO true.


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