BYU has infamously ridiculous police beats. Here are some gems I’ve gleaned for your reading pleasure.
Oct. 16: A student reported that his car had been vandalized for the third time this week. Various food items had been put on his car, including butter, hot chocolate, sugar, soda, and rotten tomatoes.
Nov. 12: Several male student having a sleepover at Bowen Hall reportedly became disgruntled with a particular vehicle nearby. They picked up the vehicle and moved it to another location. They then reportedly climbed on the vehicle, damaging the hood, and one person defecated on the windshield. Charges are currently pending.
Several items were stolen from a female resident hall, including a wallet with contents worth over $200, and a batch of homemade cupcakes.
Oct. 5: A suspicious individual was knocking on apartment doors in Wymount Terrace wearing a Guy Fawkes mask. When the officers arrives, Guy had once again eluded the police.
Oct. 5 :A person has been seen in the Widtsoe lab leaving suspicious notes on green tape on the lab counter. The notes have said things like “super nice,” “nice,” and “good job.” The man has entered the lab and left these suspicious notes several nights in a row. Officers suspect he may be the boyfriend of one of the lab workers.
Oct. 20: Three males were seen entering the Wilkinson Center. One of them went and suspiciously changed his pants. When officers arrived, they searched the area the student changed in and found nothing.
Jan. 10: A student called the police concerned for a man’s well-being after he had been seen in the same position for four hours. An officer checked on the man, who was found to be awake and fine.
Jan.: A man reported his wife spraying him in the eye with household cleaner. She claimed she had only sprayed him in the arm. The woman was cited. Various weapons were also found in the husband’s possession, including machetes.
Nov. 5: Officers recieved a call from library security that reported a student lying on the floor of the HBLL atruim. The student refused to get up and leave. Upon arrival, the officer discovered the student was an anthropology student and was conducting an experiment. The student apologized and left.
Nov. 13 A concerned citizen reported seeing a bag of alcohol near the Wilkinson Center. It was actually a bag of groceries and the owner got onto the bus and left with it.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaand, my favorite:
Jan. 17: A student reported a male with orange hair and an orange beard looking suspicious in the Smith Fieldhouse. The student told police he had overheard the man telling a woman that he liked babies. When officers arrived, no one had seen a man with orange hair or an orange beard.
Maybe because it reminds me of this:
“My big weird lips are sealed.”