I, the Jesslyn, in Order to form a more orderly Apartment, establish Tidiness, ensure domestic Sanitation, prevent the common Cold, promote the general Welfare, and secure the blessings of Neatness for Myself and, well just me really, do ordain and establish this Clean-stitution of the United Soul of Jesslyn Ann.
Article 1: All Residents of the Apartment are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of a clean Countertop.
Article 2: This House of Order shall be composed of members who can wash their own dishes, take out the trash, and vacuum occasionally.
Article 3: The Times, Places and Manner of Cleaning may be chosen at Cleaner’s discretion so long as dishes are not left in the sink exceeding one day.
Article 4: No Roommate shall tread on another’s right to clean or to live in a clean abode.
Article 5: The Roommates shall be removed from Office on Impeachment for, and Conviction of, Treason, Smelliness, or other high Crimes and Misdemeanors.
I hold these truths to be self-evident, that the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle me to live in a place with a swept kitchen floor and un-crumpled slip-cover. I believe in keeping things Clean, Neat, Fresh, Washed, Well-Kept, and in spreading hygeine to all men; indeed, I may say that I follow the admonition of Lysol. I organize all things, I sanitize all things, I have cleaned many things, and hope to be able to clean all things. If there is anything immaculate, unsoiled, or of good hygiene or spotless, I seek after these things.
And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Disinfectants, I pledge my Life, my Sponge, and my sacred Honor.
Signed in Soap, this Day, the Sixth of December, Two-Thousand and Ten,
Jesslyn Ann Poulson