A day or two ago, my dear friends, Fluffy and Huffy, invited me to go to Cedar City for the Utah Shakespeare Festival. We, plus 2 of their friends, drove down yesterday afternoon to catch the 8 o’clock showing of Macbeth.
During the long car ride, we needed SOMETHING to entertain us. We tried a dramatic reading of Macbeth to get us in the mood, but my Banquo was having an identity crisis and couldn’t keep his accent straight, so Huffy decided to take us on a trip down middle school memory lane by playing MASH.
[Anyone feel like they are sitting in the back of their 6th grade Social Studies class?]
Let’s be honest: we got a little ridiculous. We made up all sorts of categories, but hey, when we’re discussing my future, I’d like it to be as thorough as possible.
In exchange for the High School Musical pen I had (in my defense, I won it as a prize at my family reunion last month), Huffy bequeathed to me the paper that held the secrets of my future. It looked something like this:
Husband: Alex Trebek, Nicholas Cage, the Swedish Chef (from Muppets), Chris Merritt, Willy Wonka, Lawrence Welk
Where We’ll Live: under the sea, Russia, Canada, Norway, Panguitch, UT
Number of Kids: 8 (4 Siamese twins), 8 (1, and then septuplets), 2 (aged 33 years apart), none (but I will create cyborg children to satisfy my maternal instincts)
Job: Liberace’s personal seamstress, haberdasher/milliner to the Pope, Pope, car starter for the Mafia (to check for car bombs), lumberjack
Mode of Transportation: Mouch (a mobile couch, not unlike the one seen here), rocketpack, Chitty-Chitty Bang-Bang, the Gnomemobile
Pet: tarantula, termites, A-A-R-D-V-A-R-K (for those of you that watch Arthur), bark beetles (we read about them on a sign in the national park)
Crowning Life Achievement: insect collection (the bark beetles got us on a bug kick), starting a coup in Latvia, translate the Dead Sea Scrolls into Esperanto and Yiddish, drink hot lava, eat a golden egg
Superpower: microwave eyes (like eyes that can microwave things, not eyes that ARE microwaves), jet pack feet, speak only in Suessian, grow flowers out of my head like Daisy Head Maisy
Cool House Feature: talking upholstery, strawberry bed, Bio-Room (a room that you can make into any climate/eco-system), fog machine that lets out vodka, Mirror of Erised, wardrobe to Narnia
Religion: Pagan, Catholic, Jew, scientologist
Husband’s Bad Habit: plays Xbox 24/7, moonlights as Elvis, collects ceramic kitten statues, uses wool socks as cutlery, bathes in turpentine
Accent I Acquire: Botswana, West Virginia, BAston, Elfish
Favorite Vacation Destination: hunting sharks in the south seas, Lawrence Welk Visitor’s Center, Dollywood, the neighbor’s closet
Thing I Collect: insects, pine needles, propeller hats, presidential doodles, potato chips with famous people’s pictures on them
Reason I am Dissatisfied with my Life: size of my insect collection, my cyborg kids are a disappointment, alcoholism (but only from vodka), angry with the Singing Revolution in Estonia
Death: taken out by an assassin, translated, fighting a forest fire, disappear after a spat with the KGB, poisoned cupcake
Highlights from other people’s MASHs: Huffy will marry Perry Mason (she was so close to getting Polpot), have a gila monster, drive a Jazzy, be reincarnated as Michael Jackson’s love child, collect children’s teeth, and have the ability to “ostrich-ize” people (like ostracize, but it will turn them into ostriches); Fluffy cures world hunger but dies of self-cannibalism; Logg marries Tina Fey, has the superpower of being able to find any of the cast of High School Musical, and dies from wearing his pants too tight (which also prevented him from having children).
I am looking forward to my future now.
In other news, the play was fantastic (for those of you who have never been to the Utah Shakespeare Festival, they have it in a re-creation of the Globe Theatre. Pretty cool). Macbeth is far from being my favorite Shakespeare play but it shaped up to being pretty enjoyable.