Don’t Know Much About History…

Good word! Something about this first week of classes is really getting to  me. I spent no less than four hours in the library this morning working on an assignment for one of my history classes. It was made up of four different people’s accounts of their “Life of Learning.” While it was interesting to read about how these people from different backgrounds, situations, and trials pursued their educational goals, it made me and my life seem so insignificant.
I will never be smart enough to earn a degree or two at an Ivy League university. I won’t be the author of numerous books. I won’t master seven languages. While I love learning and school, I sometimes feel like I have plug in my brain that makes me so much less intelligent than other people. In the hour and a half class in which we discussed these accounts, I couldn’t even think of anything intelligent to add to the discussion.
I see my friends and just other people in my classes and they are so smart. Thinking comes easily to them. They get things so much quicker and easier than I do. What is wrong with my brain that makes thinking intelligently so difficult?
So, after today, I went home, popped some popcorn, and watched White Christmas until I fell asleep. And then I woke up even more depressed. Maybe if I spent the time I spend watching movies and sleeping doing something productive and uplifting, I would be smarter. With this in mind, I started researching graduate schools and their requirements so I could have a goal, something to look forward to and work towards. Even though I still have approximately 17 more years to go until I even get my bachelor’s.
I think it is just the build up of 1)applying to tons of jobs I am unqualified for and keep getting rejected from and the depression that being poor brings, 2)repeatedly failing the Office Skills Test I have been taking in order to get a job, 3)reading about those few remarkable people who devote their entire lives to academia, and 4)being in a country where I can understand people again and can see how much smarter they are than I am.
And, even though I am about 97% sure that no one reads this blog anymore, its good therapy to get all of my insecurities out in the open.

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One Response to Don’t Know Much About History…

  1. Becky says:

    Cheer up girly!


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